Weight gain-dieting-yuck

This has been bothering me for a while so maybe if I write it out, it will spur me into action. I haven't been exercising since I hurt my leg last august and because of my lack of inaction and my increase in eating, I have put on a considerable amount of weight. I am not sure exactly how much as I haven't been on a scale in while but i am probably hovering pretty close to around 137ish (was in lower 120s), which is way, way, way too much for my short frame. I don't mind being in the 120s as long as I am exercising daily but this is way to much weight and it is embarrassing. None of my clothes fit and I have a muffin top. I battled this battle before when I lived in Colorado and won by using the weight watchers program (lost 25 lbs), but I am sick of weight watchers. I hate paying the fees, hearing the lectures, loosing the weight and not being able to commit for lifetime. It is a great program, I always loose weight when I get serious about it, but I just cannot maintain it. I start feeling super guilty about everything I put in my mouth and Tony and I fight alot because i refuse to eat out and I have to cook because he won't watch what he cooks with. We eat a ton of processed foods just because I can figure out exactly how many points. It turns me into a very angry food freak who is always hungry and always longing for certain foods, even if you can have smaller portions of said foods and still be okay. The most weight I gain is after I have been doing weight watchers as I seem to go on a food binge.

I love the feeling I get when I loose weight but have recently grown tired of battling my weight. I am not a huge fruit or veggie eater and I don't like cooking so I eat out alot. Tony and I seem to bond over eating out and both of us get very lazy with eating out. We are both hungry when we get home so we want food right then and he is usually tired so we eat out. I am so sick of eating out but can't break the cycle. It is so convenient, quick and yummy. Just last night, was thinking boy, Mexican cheesy, gooey food sounds so good and of course as soon as I got in the door, tony said, "let's go eat Mexican". Even though I had made a plan to start back walking on the treadmill last night, all will power went out the window with two words, mexican food. I hate being this way! I also hate not working out. This is the worst shape i have been in. I would like to blame it all on my leg, and that is a huge part of it, but I can't blame it all on my leg. There are so many gyms in our area and we have a treadmill but I have been super lazy here lately. I just want to go to work, come home, and play with the pups and go to bed. I know working out would give me more energy but I have come up with a thousand reasons not to.

Funny thing, had to stand up alot yesterday because i was working at my bench alot and my leg is super sore today just from standing up. I LOVED running, but fear that with my leg still bothering me, will never be able to run again. I have AKC nationals at the end of march so on one hand, don't want to injure it further, but on the other hand, need to be in shape to be able to run. I wish i could just afford a personal trainer. I do best when given specific goals and am held accountable. That is why weight watchers has worked because I had to meet goals or pay money. I have bought gym memberships before to try this theory on my own, but it never has worked, I just don't go. I feel so self-conscious just going to a gym so I either need a group class or a personal trainer to get me going. We have a fitness center here at the university, but again, even though I am twice the age of most of the students that work out there, they make me self-conscious. Even the student trainers are expensive and with our recent fun of tony being laid off and our unexpected house redecorating, money has been tight and we are just starting to recover financially to the point where I feel comfortable paying extra money.

I was reading an article the other day that said even if you are much smaller than your hubby, you will match eating patterns and I think this is true. I use to match the eating pattern of my brother (who know weighs 220 and did play professional football for 8 or so years), but that was when I had the metabolism fueled by a nuclear power house. Now, I am in my 30s and I can just look at a piece of chocolate and gain a pound in my ass, whether I eat it or not. I need a kick in the ass to get motivated and get going. I keep saying to myself, if i go up a pants size, I will start dieting and exercising, yet i am still squeezing into my size 6 jeans. Most all of my short sleeve shirts are way too tight so maybe when the weather warms up, that will be the impetus I need to loose weight.

This blog seems really random but this is just crap that is poring out of my head right now. I know the answers, just need that motivation to get going. Now on to finishing off my sweet tea:)